SuicideSucks1*


So as I’m sitting here on a Friday night wearing one of my dads tshirts I figured I’d give y’all a lil somethin’ somethin’. People I’m not writing this to have a pity party or anything. I’m writing this because like I said in my about me I’m better at expressing myself when I don’t actually have to speak. (ask anyone)

PART I (stick with me people)

screen-shot-2017-03-03-at-8-34-21-pm

On September 24th, 2016 the Berryhill household/world got flipped upside down with just two words…

“Dad’s gone.”

 9/24/16 was a typical Brooke day which consisted of playing volleyball, watching Tulsa football, and hanging with friends. After every volleyball game I played I would always call my dad to either 1. gloat about the win or 2. bitch about the loss and every time he would always give me a pep talk or advice that went beyond volleyball. So of course, I called my dad after the win against ECU and talked for about 30-45 minutes like always, and at the end we said “I love you” and he would always add “I‘m so proud of you and am excited to watch you play again“. If i had only known that was the last time I would hear his voice I would have never hung up the phone.

Later on that night, I decided to stay the night over at my boyfriend’s house. It was 4:55 AM when I got a phone call from my mom. I missed the first call, but I already knew something was up. We played phone tag for about five minutes since both of us were calling each other, and after what seemed like forever we finally got each other on the line. I didn’t even know what had happened, but the sadness and confusion and disbelief in my moms voice made my stomach drop right away. In the back of my head I was thinking someone got in a car wreck and they’re in the hospital or something along those lines. Never crossed my mind that a death had occurred.

Mom: “Dad’s not with us anymore…”

Me: “What do you mean? What happened?”

Mom: “Dad got really depressed.”

At that point, I froze. I was speechless. I think I sunk into the floor. I hung up the phone and laid it on the bed. Kolton (my boyfriend) was sitting up and just staring at me knowing something wasn’t right. I looked at him and lost my damn mind. I busted out into tears, yelling “why?! why?! why?!” and hitting him in the chest as he held me. (I’m honestly surprised I didn’t wake up his roommates.) A couple of minutes passed and I told him I had to go home. 30 minutes later with a frantic packing spree both of us were in the car on the road to Haslet.

I’m not lying when I say that 4 hour car ride felt like 6 because it did. Not only because of all the phone calls and text that were flooding in and the thoughts in my head, but traffic sucked. During those hours I went from sad, pissed, concerned, sad, pissed, concerned, and so on. Tears would randomly roll down my face without me saying a word because of thoughts and memories that were going through my head.

“How do I help keep this family together?”screen-shot-2017-03-03-at-10-36-44-pm

“God… He was such an amazing dad.”

“Who’s going to walk me down the aisle at my wedding?”

“How dare he do this to us?”

But one thought that wouldn’t leave my mind was how sad it’s going to be when I walk into my house. I hate being sad. I hate showing emotion. I hate talking about feelings with people, it’s just not my thing. We pulled into the driveway and it felt like people were staring out the window waiting for me to arrive. I put the car in park, looked at Kolton and asked, “are you ready?” he looked at me so confused and said, “are YOU ready?” I took a deep breath, turned off the car, and got out. Right away my two sisters come running outside. One tight hug after the other we walked inside. From that point on I knew it was only going to get worse. I walked through the door way where at least 50-60 people were sitting/standing in silence. Tear marks were stained on cheeks and everyone looked so pale. As I walked in, leading the way for Kolton, Hayden, and Camryn everyone’s heads turned towards me. If I made eye contact with someone their eyes would feel with tears or hands would cover their face.

During all of the hugs and condolences from everyone the only response I could give was…

“It sucks, but it’ll be okay. We’ll be strong.”

And that’s exactly what us girls did. That day felt like it was never ending. So many people were coming in and out of the house. Old faces, new faces, relatives, friends, police officers, fire fighters, coaches, teachers, and the list goes on. SO much food was brought to the house, but nothing compared to the amount of flowers my family received. (our house looked like a jungle, but it was the best smelling jungle you’ve ever smelt)

One thing I learned throughout this whole process is the amount of lives my dad touched. Whether it be large or small, good or bad, that man left an impact on everyone he met. Regardless if people liked him or not they still had respect for him. He was such an amazing man in SO many ways. The amount of people who showed up to his service with only a two-day notice was astonishing. The church said that they had never had a service with so many people.

When the doors opened for my family to be seated at the service I lost all control of my emotions (ask anyone I held it all together for like three before this) I broke down when I saw the amount of people who were there to support us. It took my breath away.

SO THANK YOU FOR EVERYONE THAT HELPED OUT THAT WEEK, BIG OR SMALL. Y’ALL ARE AMAZING AND WE’RE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL FOR YOU. SERIOUSLY.

Today my family and I are still healing. We will never be the same people that we were before. We will never be able to fill the hole in our hearts. Every 24th of the month will drive us crazy. We will have random breakdowns. We will hate the world and blame everything. We will laugh at the goofy memories from him. We will grow stronger each day. We will have an open heart and mind to everything from now on. We will always support each other. We will hate each other (sometimes). We will never forget him. We will ALWAYS be Berryhills.

At first I didn’t want anyone to know how my dad left this world. I was embarrassed for him img_0947and my family. It felt like my mom and sisters were trying to keep it a secret as to what really happened because we didn’t want people to think poorly of him. For my younger sister (Camryn) and I we didn’t want anyone to talk about it. Even the word suicide made us cringe. It was like we were ashamed.

It took me a couple of weeks to realize it, but if you knew my dad then you would never think anything different of him. The way he went about his life was a story of its own. He was such positive role model, advice giver, incredible host, wonderful dad/husband/coach/friend, and probably one of the most selfLESS people I have ever met or will meet in my entire life. People think that suicide is a selfish act, but those are also the same people who know nothing about it. To some extent yes it is, but for the most part suicide happens because they believe it will help their family or friends live a better life. I would suggest for people to actually research suicide instead of just assuming the worst. You will more than likely have a whole new outlook on it, I know I did.

It wasn’t until some girl in my psychology class that made me register this, but people tend to bypass depression until they actually experience something traumatic like a suicide death or attempt. Depression doesn’t just go away. People can’t just snap out of it. So for those of you that think that way STOP. Do your research and learn a few things.

Now for my dad, we don’t know if he was depressed or not. If he was we didn’t know or think anything about it because we didn’t know how to handle it. It could have been numerous things for him. One thing I know that will NEVER change is that I love him just as much as I did from that last phone call I had with him.

Just to clear the air:

  • NO, my parents weren’t having problems during this time
  • NO, money wasn’t an issue
  • NO, his job wasn’t at stake or anything along those line    

I mean c’mon people… my dad enjoyed driving his swagger wagon around town. He was a proud van owner.

My dad was an incredible man and if you got the chance to meet him you would agree. If you didn’t then just take the time to listen to all the great stories about him and you’ll understand why he was.

I love you, dad.

For those who are still struggling with the grieving process 

click the link above. It’s helped me. ^


John 14: 1-3

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20 thoughts on “SuicideSucks1*

  1. Absolutely a beautiful tribute spoken genuinely from the heart. I love you Brooke and all the Berryhill ladies. Me heart still hurts from this tragedy. One thing I’d like to ad is the fact that you have his wonderful loving and very loyal heart.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Brooke. I can’t even begin to tell you how proud i am of you & how much I love you. This is such a wonderfull tribute to your Dad and also to you who has written such a beautiful blog.You are such a blessing to me and everyone who’s lives you have touched.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Brooke YOU are a world changer to many people who have and who will go through this in their families. My daughters lost their mother to suicide nearly 30 years ago. You have honored you dad, David, with such integrity and his wonderful soul has to be soaring close to yours. Thank you Brooke for posting your heart felt feelings. Dietra

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Brooke, this is written beautifully. Thank you for sharing. So many people have such a hard time understanding depression and how it affects so many people and their families. It takes so much courage to be able to do what you have done. I wish I had persisted in meeting you. I think you are a remarkable young lady and have followed you through your aunts on Facebook. I live in Tulsa and would still like to meet you some day. Let me know if you have any free time. I would love to show you your great great grandparents Tulsa home. I am your 1st cousin twice removed, Margaret DeWeese

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Thank you for sharing your love for him with us. From in Daddy’s girl to another…. it never gets better just easier to get through. One day you start filling the sad thoughts with the good ones. A gift the people we love send us I think.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Well written, Brooke. Thank you for your bravery and for honoring your Dad’s legacy- your Mom and you 3 girls. “Big Dave” was an amazing guy and he will live on through all of you. We love you all! The Armstrongs

    Liked by 1 person

  5. When someone you love becomes a memory, then that memory becomes a treasure . You are right Brooke your Dad was an amazing man. Those of us who had the pleasure of knowing him will also treasure his friendship.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. Sweet girl,
    This brought tears to my eyes. Thank you for your words, you are incredibly strong. Yes there is negative attached to suicide, but there is also way more to it than what is seen. I don’t believe anyone would think negatively about your dad or family. I did know him personally but I have never heard anyone say anything negative about him. God has him and you. praying for you and your sisters and mom. Stacy Rucker

    Liked by 1 person

  7. Brooke, this was brave and beautiful. I pray you all handle the future with raw honesty, confidence in the love he taught you that lives on in your loving honor you have for him. The thing that strok s me most is how you have seen past the act and held to the truth that no matter what the outcome of his actions, LOVE prevails. May God continue to bless you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

  8. Beautiful Brooke. Your dad touched so many people and I will never forget the tournament dinners and laughs shared. Your family is strong and loving. I know your dad was proud of all of you smart, beautiful Berryhill women.

    Liked by 1 person

  9. Love you so much, your strength is unbelievable. Before this I still thought of you as a little kid and you are my baby cousin. But after this I just keep thinking how amazing you are and how you have turned into this unbelievable woman. I’m not that far away if you ever need anything please please please call me. I’ll talk with you, I’ll sit in silence with you, we could take the puppies to play, whatever you need I’m here for.

    Liked by 1 person

  10. Thank you for your beautiful tribute to your dad. It was always such fun to spend time with him and your mom. We wish it had been more often. We know that he was a great father and husband. One of the best memories we have of him was him singing The Wind Beneath My Wings at your grandmother’s funeral. God bless you, Brooke, and all the Berryhill’s! We love you and pray that the beautiful memories you have of your dad will comfort you. I told your mom to come visit us and let me hug her and hopefully lessen the pain …. hope you and your sisters will come see us also.

    Liked by 1 person

  11. I was deeply saddened when I found out he had passed and I didn’t know what had happened until now, your dad was a good friend of mine at NSU, he was a wonderful friend and I’m sure he was the best father, husband, coach, etc. You are very brave to share this and I hope it helps you and your family heal….I’m sure he is looking down on all of you with pride…Kim Wells Finley – God Bless!

    Liked by 1 person

  12. Hi! Im Natalie. I’m friends with Linda, Kolton’s mom, and I just have to say thank you for writing this. It is so raw and real and you make some incredible points. Reading this, I felt so many parallels with how you have felt only it was my brother, not my dad. Thank you for writing this. All I can remind myself at times is it’s a good thing when others don’t know the best way to approach…it means they haven’t been there. I’m so glad you wrote this and are bringing awareness. And you’re right, we’ll never be the same again. I’d like to think the experience has given us more compassion & empathy for others. Hugs to you!

    Liked by 1 person

  13. Brooke, I met your mom and dad when I moved to Haslet in 1999. All of you, but Hayden and Daniliz, where literally toddlers or shy to begin school. Between field trips, so many softball practices at Nance field with the Haslet Angels team, then club vball, middle and high school games, and after games dinners, there is not one single year in Daniliz and Lizzy school years where I do not see your dad and mom in it. Your dad made a great contribution to this community by touching the lifes of so many young girls and their families. Lizzy and Daniliz remember him as an encouraging loving coach always pushing them to do their best, they just loved coach Berryhill. You are right, those of us who had the privilege of knowing David, can attest to his character, and what an amazing person he was, a dedicated family man, a stone in our community, and a proud dad that wore the love for his daughters for all to see, the same goes for Erin. He will always be loved, respected, and remembered. The Berryhill’s Ladies have too much to be proud of, so stay close to God and drive strength from Him to go on with your head up high, be there for your mom, stay strong as a family, and never doubt that there are so many people in this community that love your family, that anybody else is insignificant . God bless you all!

    Liked by 1 person

  14. Brooke, what you wrote from your heart is just beautiful. I remember you telling me “it sucks, we will get thru this, I have take care of my mom and sisters, I have to be strong for them”. Talking about your dad and suicide is the strongest thing you have done for yourself. Your dad, my brother in law and Uncle David was a very selfless person, he would give of himself so freely, no matter what time of day or night it was, he was there. And I know you, your mom , Mary Camryn and Hayden will keep his legacy alive, I see it. I love you Beautiful Berryhill’s.

    Liked by 1 person

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